The Best Marx Bros Lines You Never Heard

I've been reading Simon Louvish's excellent book Monkey Business: The Lives And Legends Of The Marx Brothers and enjoying all the funny lines that weren't in the films...

Groucho: Young lady you are charged with murder, and if you are convicted you will be charged with electricity.

Groucho: Why were you smoking opium in a Chinese joint?
Beauty: Because I wanted to get a new sensation
Groucho: Did you ever eat a bowl of rhubarb in a ferris wheel?

Groucho: Were you ever in love?
Beauty: That's my business
Groucho: How's business?

Chico: I know how to make a pair of pants last
Groucho: All right, Ravelli, how do you make a pair of pants last?
Chico: Make the coat first

Groucho: Ravelli, what are you singing?
Chico: 'Home Sweet Home'
Groucho: It sounds terrible
Chico: Well, my home is terrible

Mrs Van Regal: Do you think you've inherited your criminal tendencies from your father?
Chico: No lady, my father still got his

Driver: You no like opera, signor?
Groucho: Like it? The night Caruso sang 'Boheme' at the Metropolitan, I cried like a baby. I was at the dentist's having a tooth pulled out.

Mrs Standish: I have a good mind to call the police
Groucho: What makes you think you have a good mind? I haven't heard you say anything smart yet.

Attorney: Your honour, the plaintiff's counsel has introduced no evidence other than this affidavit with half the pages missing.
Groucho: Well, affa-davit is better than none.

Groucho: [Addressing a very old man sitting with a young lady] Just mail them a dollar and they'll send you a monkey gland in a plain white envelope. If you mail them five dollars I think they'll send you the whole monkey

Groucho: The boys at the studio have lined up another turkey for us and there's a strong likelihood that we'll be shooting it in about three or four weeks

Harpo: I love you madly – madly. Kiss me! I can feel the hot blood pounding through your varicose veins!

Groucho: I've never hit a woman except in self defence

Groucho: [Handing a mink coat to cloakroom attendant] Take good care of this and at ten o'clock give it a saucer of milk

Carmen Miranda: Why are you always chasing women?
Groucho: I'll tell you as soon as I catch one.

Groucho: How'd you like to see your name in lights?
Specialty: Why, are you an electrician?
Groucho: No, but I've got some good connections.

Groucho: I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Harpo: Groucho wrote every word of his book. I didn't write a word of mine. Books is not my racket.

Chico: Put in my coffin a deck of cards, a mashie niblick [golf club], and a pretty blonde

And here is Groucho's last recorded joke

Groucho: What do you want?
Nurse: We have to see if you have a temperature
Groucho: Don't be silly. Everybody has a temperature